The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
scrabbled eggs
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.