Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Confused owl: What?!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳