Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“You’d better run, egg!”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?