(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
That’s not how days work.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.