[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.