Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?