me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You Might Also Like
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.