Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I need a headline like this
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.