If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Rooting for the overdog
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan