[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
he was correct
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc