I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
when someone compliments me
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.