My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?