Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?