After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Well, that should do it
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha