I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I love twitter
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.