I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.