tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
God has abandoned us.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude