Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Introverted vegans go meetless
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me too door. Me too.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The glockness monster
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car