Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
meow
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
black phone good
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles