Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Effort made
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?