me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say