What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced