As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.