[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.