I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sing it!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.