Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can鈥檛 stop laughing about it.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don鈥檛 have servants
Me: Exactly
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection鈥eing a dad is awesome.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 馃槷
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Fight club but it鈥檚 really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can鈥檛 even understand the direct ones.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that鈥檚 not how this works
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt