[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
What if all the cashiers are married?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier