Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You Might Also Like
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.