[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
When ur friends with white people
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
this is the best day of my life
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.