[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”