If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
was Jim off killing horses or…
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.