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Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.