Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
yeah not falling for this one
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
wow
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD