Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
eggs benadryl
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.