I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Why font matters.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.