Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.