Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Jurassic park gets weird