My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job