*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
$4 #usedbooks
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..