I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good