GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
May have had one breakfast too many
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Home #decor warning.