Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I can’t stop watching this.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started