‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
boat question
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I need this for my side hustle.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve