My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
what