Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die