Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?