me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
yea so i messed up lol
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.