In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
dictator is short for richard potato
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.