He wanted to make sure😂
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My neck my back my allergy attack
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
sir, my pâté if you please
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.