Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.